Swine flu. Run for my life!
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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