God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
