I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
