So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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