tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
