i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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