I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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