he shaved USA in his pubs
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
