Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
