i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
