You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
