Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
