They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
