She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
