Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
