So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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