I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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