My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
