Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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