I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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