i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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