Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
