god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I need to stop coming to work sober
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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