Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
