i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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