Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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