I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
