I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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