So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
