And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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