There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
