I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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