she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
