are you still at the devil's house?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you had me at cake vodka
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
