Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
