I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
