So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
