fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
