Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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