found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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