I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
