As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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