I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
