I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
