I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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