I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sext me about skeletons
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
