her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Your dad touched me again.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
