if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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