I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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