I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
